The holidays are a time when family gets together, there are joyful carols, parties, gift giving, and everyone wishes everyone good cheer. But… Not everyone is full of good cheer at this time. It could be because of a bad memory from a previous Christmas, but more likely its because you’re grieving or have grieved.

So how do you enjoy the holiday season while grieving? I’m walking through this year’s Christmas season reading my own notes and reminding myself how to do this. I did the count, and as of Friday, December 9^th, I’ve had to say good-bye to 16 people since February, 2020! Some were close acquaintances, some long-time friends, and others family. That’s a lot of grief! I hope that what I’ve learned will help you.

Remove the mask that everything is fine

Often, we run around purchasing gifts, attending the parties, and we play into the lie that all’s well when it isn’t. Take off the mask. Okay, be a bit choosy about who you’ll share with, but don’t always answer, “Fine” when it’s not.

I’ve taken to saying, “I’m here,” or “Yeah,” which doesn’t really answer how are you. With other closer friends, I shake my head and say, “Not well.” It’s been freeing, and I’ve received a lot of hugs.

It’s okay not to be okay

After removing the mask, now you have people looking at you like you’re raining on their parade. Here on the Southern Oregon Coast, we have a Christmas light parade the second weekend in December. This is the Oregon Coast where instead of snow we get wind and rain! There’s a reason I created a character who was afraid of the wind. Yet, we have a parade in the middle of winter when it’s more likely than not to have rain.

So, acknowledge it’s okay not to be okay. Earlier this month, during a student meeting, I had a student admit she was struggling with suicide and self-harm. At the time, my youngest had just moved out to his first apartment on his own, and I’d been shocked with the death of two friends and an acquaintance, and was trying to deal with my dad’s health issues. After the meeting, I gave the student a hug and told her that it’s okay not to be okay. Together we cried.

It’s amazing the freedom this gives you.

Recognize the big ball and the button

This concept was given to me by a parent. She said that grief is like a ball in a box inside you. Inside the box is a button. When the loss is brand-new, the ball is huge. It doesn’t take much to jostle it around and bump the button. When it hits the button, it hurts like crazy! As time progresses and you deal with your grief, the ball shrinks. It still bumps against the button with painful results, but not as frequently.

What I’ve learned is that the ball of grief can fluctuate in size as more losses build. For instance, as I’ve dealt with the grief from 2021, I thought I was fine, but then in November, I experienced another three losses and a fourth in December. The ball just got bigger again.

Understanding this concept helps you to give yourself grace. Accepting that you may cry, and it’s okay to.

Cherish the memories

As you walk through this time, cherish the memories you made. Christmas often is bittersweet for me because my grandpa would sing “Oh, Holy Night” every year. He’s not been here for the past 22 years to sing it. Each year, at some point in time, I’ll cry when I hear the song.

Memories are what keep the person alive. What better time than Christmas and the holiday season to remember your loved one and the special memories you made with them.

Find a friend

The best way to go through this is with someone who understands. It may only be one person that you talk with each day, or it may be multiple people that you connect with through different places. For instance, one person at work, one at home, and maybe another at church.

Grief is a process

As you deal with the ball in the box, realize that it’s a process. Not everyone will go through it the same. My husband has only cried a few times since his dad passed away in June, where I’ve cried multiple times. Instead, my husband thinks he’s dealing with the grief with physical symptoms.

You’ll go through cycles, and not every cycle will make sense. That’s okay. Adjust to the new normal on a day-to-day basis.

Make new traditions

Lastly, try to find new traditions for this time of the year. Things that you can do with family or on your own. I’m considering gingerbread designs. I’m not sure if it’ll work or if I’ll have the energy for it, but the more the idea persists, the more I’m encouraged to try it.

What’s a tradition you can create? There are all kinds of special recipes out there. Maybe ornament making would be up your aisle. My mom would create an ornament to commemorate the year. Maybe it’d be watching a special movie. Whatever you decide, make it yours.

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As you walk through this holiday season, may you be able to be real and true. May you feel comfort and be able to heal.