Singing through Tears

Our feet made no sound as they walked the needle strewn forest floor. The greens of huckleberry bushes and salal surrounded us while the contrasting shade of the evergreens covered our heads from any chance of late fall rain. Birds chirped around us oblivious to the pain in our hearts. Then softly almost hesitantly my friend began to sing. Her clear voice wavered over the familiar words to the hymn.

“O Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds Thy hands have made. . .”

I glanced over in awe that she could be singing at such a time as this, but my voice at first shaking joined with her on the chorus. “How great Thou art, How great Thou art…”

Praying in difficulties

Saying that the days leading up to that moment had been stressful would have been an understatement. My friend, Donna, had called me several weeks earlier to say that her nineteen-year-old daughter, Christina, was in the hospital. In shock I had listened to her explain that Christina was suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. My brain couldn’t comprehend the thought. The girl I knew was talented and beautiful. She could draw anything she set her mind to; give her a paintbrush or a sponge and she could put what was on paper onto a wall. How could this young woman who had so much to live for, be struggling. I had prayed with Donna for healing.

Several days later, I had received the news that Christina had been released from the hospital and was to go to counseling and take some medication. Surely everything would be fine, but I was proved wrong the next Sunday when Donna walked into the church.

She had greeted me with just two words, “She’s gone.” All I could do was give Donna a hug. Tears had streamed down both of our faces.

Helping a friend

Somehow we had made it through that day. The next day was Monday. My husband and I had gone to Donna’s house to help comfort her and her husband. When we arrived, Donna had asked to go for a walk. We meandered through the path until she opened in song.

I will never forget that moment. The clouds wouldn’t let lose any rain, but they hid the sun to go with our mood. I had no answers for my friend. What do you tell a parent who has lost their child? All I could do was walk and listen, give her hugs, and cry with her. We cried until we had no tears left to cry.

Moving past pain

As the days moved along, we went through numerous emotions. First, I was just numb. It didn’t make sense. The wonderful girl I had painted the Sunday School room with was gone. I couldn’t believe it. “She was just gone on one of her missions trips,” I’d tell myself. “She’d return, and we’d paint yet again.” After the numbness wore off, I was in disbelief. I couldn’t understand how such a talented, gifted, beautiful young woman could think that she was not worth something. When there was standing room only in a church packed to overflowing, how could she think she was not loved? Anger was the next to plague me and my husband. We watched as Donna and her husband, Dave, and the remaining three children struggled. How could Christina leave them to this grief? How could she be so selfish? Why would she do this to all of us—her family, her friends, her church family?

Healing in time

Over time, I watched Donna and Dave deal with the situation. We saw the pain, the hurt, the drawing into themselves and away from the body of Christ. They felt as if they had no one to talk to. No one understood what they were going through. At times, the pain showed through when someone would ask about their children and the wound was brought fresh to mind. Gradually, they were able to go back to whatever normal would be. That Sunday in October had irrevocably changed ‘normal’ for them.

Hope for our future

Is it possible to sing through loss? Can God use even bad things for His glory? I can sit back and say with my friend, Donna, that yes He can because I’ve seen it happen. Many times since that day in October, 2006, I’ve sung through my tears. God seems to honor our heart. He knows we hurt. He just asks that we trust Him. We may never see what He has planned, but we can trust Him to care for us and to work everything out for His good to draw us closer to Him, to make us more like Jesus.

Today as we face uncertainty with weather, fires, and even memories from 9/11, remember God is in control. He wants to mold us into the image of His Son. That means hardships will come our way. The question is how will we face them? Will we turn away from Him or to Him?

My mom was and still is a stay at home mom. She was proud to work at homemaking. She willingly created a safe and secure home environment. For that I am very thankful. When needed, she worked to help with the family income, but she always found a way to do it from home. She used her skill with and love of children and opened our home into a daycare. Her example and love of homemaking was passed on to my sister and me. Early on, the Barbie dolls disappeared from the house. They were replaced with baby dolls. Each Christmas I looked forward to see what new doll would be waiting under the tree. One year we received handmade doll clothes that Mom had worked over for hours on end. Another year, my grandpa made a cradle for my dolls and grandma and great-grandma made the blankets, mattress, pillow, and pillowcase to go with it. In this way, the teaching of being a mom was passed on. When I became a mom, I loved the time spent with my kids. I know it came from Mom’s example.

As a stay at home mom, Mom worked at keeping the house clean despite the kids roaming the house. Many a day, I heard her singing as she worked. She embodied the Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’ song “Whistle While You Work”. One song in particular became the dish washing song. To this day when we sing it in church, I see Mom standing at the sink singing. She passed on an attitude of song while you work helps pass the time and makes the chore less of a chore.

Mom loves kids. Growing up, she and her mom would work together to have Good News Clubs in their home. As I was growing up, Mom was Sunday School teacher, youth group leader, and Wednesday night kids’ club teacher at various times in my teen years. When I turned sixteen, she had me help her with the Wednesday night kids’ club. She showed me how to teach the memory verse. To this day, when I work with kids, the strategies that she taught me in 1986 still come into play. When in 1987 a man looked at me and said, “To be a missionary here, you need to be either a nurse or a teacher”, Mom’s guidance whispered in my mind and I said, “I’ll be a teacher.” That has been my profession other than mother for eleven years. Mom lead me to study Elementary Education in college. From there, I gained my high school endorsement for teaching Spanish, my junior high endorsement for Spanish, my K-12 for teaching English as a Second Language, and my Masters of Education. It all started in a basement of a church in rural Northeastern Washington state with Mom asking me to help her lead the kids’ club.

Finally, and foremost, Mom shared with me her faith. That faith has kept me on an even keel through thick and thin. Through rough times and good times. She shared what she had learned from her parents about how God loved the world so very much that He gave His one and only Son. She shared with me how people do what goes against God’s way and how we have turned to our own devices. This keeps us from a perfect God–one who can’t abide any imperfection. Yet, He loved us so very much that He sent His son. I can’t imagine giving any one of my sons to take the punishment of someone else’s kid. Yet, that’s what God did. Jesus took our punishment for going our own way! God now looks at us and sees Jesus. I like to think of it as the scene in Fox and Hound where the hunter looks through the sights of his rifle at Todd the fox and Copper the dog steps in the way. That is exactly how we are with God. My mom shared this faith with me, and I am trying to pass it on to my own kids.

So, a legacy has been passed down to each one of us. We can take a look at that legacy and see is it a good one or a bad one. We can pick and choose from it what we want to hand on to the next generation. It is the circle of life. What legacy will you pass on?

Renewal of vows: Me with my parents